What is the Mental Load, and How Do We Share It?

Shane Thrapp and Braden Young discuss the “mental load” as the invisible cognitive labor of anticipating needs, deciding, and monitoring follow-through, not just doing chores. Braden describes how his wife Mei long served as the family calendar and decision-tracker until perimenopause-related hormonal changes brought ADHD-like executive function challenges, forcing them to renegotiate roles they had never explicitly designed. Referencing Allison Daminger’s four stages of cognitive labor and Dr. Tamara Rosier’s over-/under-functioning dynamic, they explore how cultural scripts around gender and “helping” can create shame and parent-child patterns. They emphasize replacing memory with shared systems—family calendars, alerts, shared lists, and clear ownership of deliverables—splitting responsibilities by strengths and capacity, regularly reviewing the load, and seeking neurodivergence-informed couples therapy if discussions become repetitive conflict, while modeling teamwork for their kids.